Open Enrollment
Dear Benefits-Eligible
Employees,
Open enrollment for your 2010
benefits is currently underway. As you prepare to update your selections,
please review these minor changes in policy:
Medical Plans. We
continue to offer three tiers of coverage:
- Core Plan. No longer covers physicians or airborne
diseases. Harpoonborne diseases require a referral from your Primary Care
not-Physician.
- High Plan. No longer covers third-party lab tests.
Instead, we ask employees to test themselves by urinating into designated
peeceptacles. For blood work, you may pick up thumbtacks in the supply room.
- Vista Ultimate Plan. Now covers small pox, large pox,
neither-here-nor-there pox, swine pox, livestock pox, and the Hong Kong flu.
Not available in Hong Kong.
Vision Plan. We continue
to offer one tier of coverage:
Dental Plan. Due to
employee demand, often in the form of lawsuit, we're pleased to introduce
ToothMed. This plan covers 100% of preventative maintenance (i.e., not
eating), 0% of routine maintenance (cleaning, x-rays), and -15% of fillings,
root canals, and all procedures necessitated by your personal failings.
We discourage cosmetic dentistry
since, frankly, your teeth are the least of your problems.
Accidental Death and
Dismemberment. Effective immediately, the Firm covers only death and
dismemberment, not either-or. Limbless employees will be reimbursed upon
proving they were not alive at the time of their delimbing.
For the record, noses and ears
are cartilage, not limbs. (Nice try, Lauren.)
Intentional Death and
Dismemberment. Go ahead, Lauren. We dare you.
Flexible Spending Account
(FSA) has been renamed from the "Guess How Sick You're Going To Be Next
Year" Account (GHSYGTBNYA). To assess your proximity to sickness, death, or
those who wish you to become sick or dead, visit our Actuary Department on the
fourth floor next to Visas & Deportation.
For a complete summary of your
benefits, refer to the Employee Handbook available in the Human Resources office
or, for employees hired after July 5, tattooed on your skull.
If you have any questions or
concerns, please don't. With few exceptions, your health is very important to
us.
Sincerely,
Human Resources
Doolittle & Associates, LLC,
LP, Esq.
November 17, 2009
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